Rooster-Deep and Meaningless

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Have you ever had the feeling that you are stuck in some situation and you know it’s not right but you just can’t get out of it?I feel like that. It will sound superficial, but my mind knows what I should do, but my heart doesn’t let me. Have you ever wanted something so bad that you just couldn’t take that out of your mind, but you couldn’t have it?I feel like that. I know what I should do to have it, but I have the feeling that I can’t do anything at all. That I will never be good enough for… Have you ever been so mad that you just wanted do beat the crap out of someone?I feel like that. If I knew that this would solve everything I would go and beat that stupid twat. But I just can’t do this, cause if I could, then trust me, many people would be in danger (evil smile).

So what should I do?Accept things the way they are or make something even if there’s the risk, that things won’t change at all.

I’m thinking of writing a book. The problem is that I’m not sure about what. My first thought was to write about my high-school years (well, I know that there are many books with this theme, but everyone’s school years were different). The trouble with this is that I’m concerned that not everyone would be interested in such a book, cause maybe what seemed to be interesting, funny etc. to me may not be to other people.

My next thought was to right some short stories about anything that crosses my mind and gather them in one book…hmmm (seeing this written down here, makes me think that it’s not a really good idea). Now again, the trouble with this is that I might write some really crappy stories and this wouldn’t make me feel so good. Another problem of mine is: how should I start all of this? I’ve never written a book in my life. Should I write it in Romanian or in Hungarian? No English, I couldn’t write a book that would be grammatically correct with my English knowledge.
I just don’t know, I want to write this book, cause I’m bored and I need something that keeps me and my “frozen” brain occupied. I need something that makes me feel proud and good about myself.

Well, these are just some plans and as I know myself, I tend to plan without doing anything to accomplish it. I really want it to be different this time. Anyway, if I start writing, I’ll let you know how things are going.

Breaking Benjamin-Breath

I like to sit and just watch people passing by. Some of them make me laugh, some make me sad, some just walk away without leaving me any impression. I admit, that many times I find something to criticize or to object in their behavior, but not because I think I’m better than them, just because this is how I am. I don’t criticize people because I’m bad, I do it cause I notice some things that I don’t like and I have to express myself (now you probably think I’m evil ). I used to look out on the window from my room and wait for the crowd to come from the tram station. There were times when I stood there looking 2-3 hours, without noticing that so much time had passed. I watched them cause I enjoyed it. I guess it made me forget about everything. I was relaxed.

I haven’t done this thing for a long time, don’t know why. I still watch them when I’m on the street going somewhere, but it’s not the same. It feels better doing this from my room. I have to say it’s true: little things do matter.

Song for today

Pink Floyd-Wish You Were Here

Today I didn’t do much. Actually I didn’t do anything. I woke up, took a look at my moshimonster and than just sat all day, thinking about my miserable life . Well not miserable, just kinda boring.

The big dilemma today was: “What should we eat?”. It doesn’t matter that we have chicken, pea-soup (which is not so bad, considering that this was the first time I made something like that), milk and eggs. No, these things were just not good enough for our hungry belly. We wanted to eat something really unhealthy, but with a good smell and a much much better taste, that everything from the fridge. Junk food. Food from McD.
So I dressed up and went to McD and bought a lot of good and yummy stuff. And the way back home, just seemed longer to me, cause I had the stuff I bought in my hand and I was starving and I couldn’t wait to get home.

Now I’m bored, so I put my music player on shuffle and I was playing this game, that I said: “Which song describes who I am?” (may sound stupid, but it’s fun, cause you never know which track will come). Then I listened carefully to the next song, and it was Vampire by Antsy Pants.

So, today I went to a job interview, at Meli Melo. I thought, yeah, this would be a nice place to work at. When I got there, 4 other people were already waiting. When my turn came, I went to the back of the store (I did only two steps, cause the store is really tiny). They asked me questions (a guy and a woman). Stuff like: what makes you a good sales representative, what are your good and bad qualities (here I had a little problem) and why would I like to work there. And I said, cause I like the stuff they sell. It was a little silly. And I thought they liked me, but it just seems that they didn’t, cause otherwise they would have called me back by this time. 2 weeks ago, when I went to an interview at Auchan, I didn’t liked that job and I was sure that I would say no to it. But they called me back. This job, at Meli Melo, seemed to be suitable for me, and the money was ok as well. But they didn’t call me back (probably because now I would have said yes).

Why can’t I have what I want?

Until I’ll be back with a new post, here’s a song I really liked 2-3 years ago and I remembered it today (maybe cause it fits my mood right now). I also like the video.

All American Rejects-Move Along